by Reason McLucus
“Oliver, don’t you dare change that channel,” Lisa said.
“But, Lisa, I thought you didn’t like Harrigan and Holmes because they were always arguing,” Oliver replied.
“Yes, but tonight they have a good guest on, Governor Liz McEden,” Lisa said. “She’s going to be the next President of the United States.”
“She’s got to win the election first,” Oliver replied. “There’s a lot of Republicans and Democrats who will vote for their candidates.”
“Yes, but one of them can’t talk right and the other one keeps contradicting himself,” Lisa said. “She’s obviously the superior candidate.”
Harrigan: “Welcome to Harrigan and Holmes. I’m Steve Harrigan and this is the Tiger News Channel where we have balanced fair news coverage. Our first guest tonight is California Governor Elizabeth McEden who last night announced she is running for the Reform Party nomination for President. Welcome, Governor McEden.”
McEden: “Thank you for inviting me, Steve.”
Harrigan: “Governor, why are you running for president at this time?”
McEden: “I’m running because after Perry Rossman brought up the issue on the Mary Queen show two nights ago, I got a flood of emails and phone calls urging me to run”
Harrigan: “But, is that a sufficient reason to run? I understand that you do support the President’s handling of the War on Terror.”
McEden: “I do support the War, but as a politician said 12 years ago: ‘it’s the economy, stupid.’ I agree with many of the people who have contacted me that the President isn’t showing sufficient leadership on domestic issues. They don’t feel they can support the Democrats without abandoning our troops in Iraq.”
Harrigan: “If you run you’ll give the election to Democrats who oppose the war.”
McEden: “Many of the people who contacted me said they were going to have to vote their economic interests even though they support the war.”
Alvin Holmes: “But, Governor, you have no chance of winning.”
McEden: “Only about 50% of eligible voters participated in the last two presidential elections. Thus the winners only got the votes of about 25% of eligible voters. If I could persuade half of those who stayed home to go to the polls and vote for me, I could win.”
Holmes: “Is that realistic?”
McEden: “The polls indicated that most of my votes when I ran for governor were from people who hadn’t been voting.”
Holmes: “But, isn’t it more likely that you will simply change the outcome by taking votes from one of the candidates, like Alfred Nabors did in the last election? If it hadn’t been for Nabors, Allen Gordon would have won the election.”
McEden: “Gordon lost the election because he couldn’t motivate a sufficient number of voters to vote FOR him in the states where the race was close. Democrats and Republicans need to realize that many of us are tired of them offering mediocre candidates and then claiming that we must vote for one of the major party candidates to prevent the other one from winning.”
Holmes: “We’ll be back after this news break.”
“She sure showed them, didn’t she, Oliver,” Lisa commented.
“No, they’re right,” Oliver replied. “She can’t get enough votes to win.”
“But, if she can get more people to vote,” Lisa said.
“People don’t vote because they don’t care or are too lazy,” Oliver said.
“But, what if they don’t vote because they don’t think anyone is worth voting for?” Lisa asked.
“The way to run for president is to get the nomination of one of the two political parties,’ Oliver said.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Lisa said. “What if no one is worth voting for?”
“Other candidates should run for the party nominations,” Oliver
said. “Your candidate is back.”
Holmes: “We’re back with California Governor Elizabeth McEden. Governor, I believe you used to be a Democrat. Why did you leave the party?”
McEden: “The Democratic Party left me, Alvin. I became a Democrat because of presidents like Franklin Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy and Lyndon Johnson. They had a positive attitude. They offered hope for something better. Roosevelt promised a New Deal. Johnson declared a war on poverty and promised a Great Society. Kennedy promised us the moon. Today’s Democratic Party has become a party of fear and hate.”
Holmes: “But, don’t Democrats still want to help the poor and oppressed?”
McEden: “Democrats used to promise people something better than what they had. Today’s Democrats don’t. They say ‘vote for us or things will get worse’. They try to scare retirees by claiming the Republicans will eliminate Social Security. They try to scare the poor by saying that Republicans will take away their gang infested government housing. Democrats didn’t try to change welfare even after they learned that it was destroying black families.”
Harrigan: “Governor, as you know Ronald Reagan was my favorite president and a former actor. Do you really think that because Reagan could switch from acting to politics that you can to?”
McEden: “Political scientists do call politicians political actors. I believe that being an actor may be an advantage because I know when I play a role that I should behave the way the character I am portraying would behave rather than the way I would like to behave. As governor of California I ask myself the question what should the governor of California do in this situation rather than what would I like to do.”
Harrigan: “Interesting point, I wish we had time to pursue it tonight.
Governor McEden, before you go we’d like your comments on the following
new Republican commercial”
Singer: “First you say you will”
Woman: “Kerry Johnson volunteered for duty in Vietnam.”
Singer: “then you won’t.”
Man: “Kerry Johnson asked to leave Vietnam eight months early for a nice assignment on the east coast.”
Singer: “Then you say you do”
Man: “Kerry Johnson voted for the war in Iraq.”
Singer: “Then you don’t.”
Woman: “Kerry Johnson now says he opposes the War.”
Man: “Kerry Johnson says he is going to the second black president, even though he’s white. Maybe he can be the first woman president even though he’s a man.”
Woman: “How could Johnson be the first woman president?”
Man: “Isn’t it a woman’s prerogative to change her mind?”
Woman: “I suppose so.”
Man: “Well Johnson’s always changing his mind so that would qualify him as the first woman president.”
Woman: “That sounds like a sexist remark.”
McEden: “That is a sexist remark, Steve. I love the ad. If politicians are going to run negative ads they should use humor.”
Harrigan: “Alvin and I will be back after this news break. Stay tuned. Suzanne von Giessen will be talking to Governor McEden about the issue of homosexual marriages. Governor, thank you for coming. Maybe we can have you back on a later program.”
McEden: “Thank you for having me. I would be glad to return.”
“Lisa, why are you changing the channel?” Oliver asked.
“Well, I guess we can watch ‘Cheers’ while we’re waiting for the next show,” Lisa said.
“But, there’s more to this show,” Oliver said. “They’ll be talking about important issues.”
“They’re just going to argue and say the same things they said last night and the night before that and the night before that,” Lisa said. “Besides none of the other guests ever answer the questions.”
“Yes, they do,” Oliver said.
“No, they don’t,” Lisa replied. “The hosts keep telling the other guests to answer the questions and they never do. Liz answered the questions they asked.”
“But, ‘Cheers’ is just a rerun of a show you’ve seen before,” Oliver said.
“Yes, but, at least ‘Cheers’ is funny,” Lisa said.
“Oliver, you can come back in here now,” Lisa called. “Suzanne von Giessen is coming on.”
“Alright, I’m coming,” he replied.
Suzanne von Giessen: “Good evening, I’m Suzanne von Giessen and this is ‘For the Record’. My first guest tonight is the Governor of California, Elizabeth McEden. We will be joined in a few minutes by the leader of the Homosexual Alliance, John Gay. Governor McEden, welcome to the program.”
McEden: “Thank you for inviting me, Suzanne.”
Von Giessen: “Governor, would you explain why you feel homosexual marriages are unconstitutional?”
McEden: “Yes, Suzanne. Marriage provides certain special benefits like Social Security survivors benefits and health insurance for employees’ spouses that aren’t available to single people. Government cannot provide benefits to members of some groups, but not others, that is discriminate, without a good reason. With heterosexual marriages, there is the potential for making babies to become the next generation. Homosexual couples cannot make babies without the assistance of someone else.”
Von Giessen: “But with the size of the population do we really need to encourage people to have babies?”
McEden: “Well, we need new people from somewhere to pay for the retirement of the baby boomer generation. If we didn’t need more babies, there would be no reason to provide any special benefits to married people.”
Von Giessen: “Joining us now from San Francisco is the leader of the Homosexual Alliance, John Gay. Welcome to our program, John.”
Gay: “Thank you for inviting me.”
Von Giessen: “John, what is your position on the issue of marriage and discrimination?”
Gay: “Allowing only heterosexuals to marry discriminates against homosexuals. We should have the same right to marry as heterosexuals.”
Von Giessen: “Governor, how do you respond to this statement?”
McEden: “Marriage is not a right. It’s a privilege that government provides to some heterosexuals to encourage them to form couples and make babies. Government generally doesn’t allow marriages between heterosexuals who are considered too young or too closely related genetically. One of my concerns is that if the courts say that homosexuals have to be allowed to marry because its discriminatory not too, the next set of rulings will require government to allow close relatives to marry also.”
Von Giessen: “What do you mean by close relatives?”
McEden: “First cousins, brothers and sisters, maybe even parent and child. The reason government restricts marriage among close relatives is to reduce the likelihood that children would be born with genetic defects.”
Von Giessen: “John, how do you feel about this statement?”
Gay: “Governor McEden is just making the usual argument suggesting all sorts of far-fetched rulings. Government could still restrict incestuous relationships.”
Von Giessen: “Thank you for appearing, John.”
Gay: “Thanks for inviting me, Suzanne.”
Von Giessen: “Governor, thank you for appearing. You have time for a short response before the news break.”
McEden: “Thanks for inviting me. The idea that incestuous relationships
are morally wrong comes from the same religious beliefs that says homosexual
relationships are wrong.”
“Well, Oliver, is she right about the law,” Lisa asked.
“I don’t know,” Oliver replied. “I don’t know anything about marriage law.”
“But, you’re a lawyer,” Lisa commented.
“I’m a corporate lawyer,” Oliver said. “How come you’re changing the channel again? The show’s not over.”
“It’s time for Liz’s show,” she said.
“It won’t be on,” he said under his breath.
“Hey, how come ‘Leave it to Beaver’ is on?” Lisa said.
“They had to take Liz’s show off because she’s running for president,” Oliver said. “They did the same thing to Ronald Reagan when he ran for president.”
“That’s not fair,” Lisa said.
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